Eye of the Beholder

I have mentioned in past posts about never really being able to know anything for sure. I truly believe this to be true. Nothing can ever be certain in life (exept death, and maybe even love), but I also feel that there are a great many things that can be learned. Things that you can almost know for sure. Two of the things that I have learned and wish to write about today are these: You can't make anyone love you, and you can't make anyone stop loving you.
I know the thought of wanting someone to not love you seems like a strange concept. Trust me if I was reading this a few years ago I would think I was crazy. But haven't you ever just wanted something different from someone who wanted something different from you? I'm being vague. Have you ever just wanted your friend back after they somehow convinced themselves to love (love here is refering to feelings of love, not necessarily actual love) you? Perhaps not, and I feel like those of you who haven't are far more fortunate that those of you who have. I know it might not seem that way, trust me I do know, but those feelings of love change things. Even if these changes are ever so subtle, they still exist somewhere in the back of the mind. And I also feel like once you love a friend, it never goes away, as I have been in the opposite position as well. I feel like it always sticks around a little bit in the peripherals of any continued friendship. That looming unrequited thing. The elephant in the room so to speak.
Sometimes I think about this occurance, of falling in love with friends. More topically, of friends falling in love with me. Love, again, in the loosest sense. And I think sometimes that maybe if I were ugly to people it would more rarely happen. I have a friend who is undeniably gorgeous and she is certainly plagued by this, it seems almost constantly. I feel like when you love someone's mind and soul as you would a friend, an aestheticly pleasing outer demeanor just confuses and complicated the situation. And someone who you wouldn't necessarily consider romantically if they were ugly (in your opinion) becomes something more to you. The word plague here is I think appropriate, for as much as people strive for beauty, I think it can also be a curse. When you have it, its all people see. When you have it no one cares whats underneath. I'm not speaking out of personal experience here per se, I just believe this to be true. And why is it that beauty is so coveted and revered? Yes, it is pleasing to the eye, but I think also we have been primed for beauty since we could understand the concept. The example I use is heroines of Disney movies. Beautiful women whose ultimate fate is nothing but finding love, and happiness that rests on one thing and one thing alone: finding their perfect prince. And yes there are some who are great women doing great things. But the main description of these women is primarily that they are exceptionally beautiful. What type of expectations is that priming us to have for ourselves? What type of standards is that setting for the "princes" of the world? And this is only the beginning. But I think that outer beauty has become such an important part of everyday life that people have begun to rever it far too much. And I know this argument has certainly been made before. I think that flaws should be seen as blessings rather than curses. I feel like flaws and insecurities enable a person to develop such character. Character, which is really what should be revered. For me personally, looking at something that is flawed, that is cracked or damaged or old or dusty or cheap or simple is so much more interesting and breathtaking than something that is new and packaged and smooth and shiny and modern. But I'm not to say whats beautiful or what isn't. Who is to say whats beautiful and whats not? I don't think that this can ever be said for sure either! Why? Because beauty certainly is in the eye of the beholder. This phrase may seem cliche but I have such a strong belief in its truth. I'm sure many people find Megan Fox beautiful, and I know Robert Pattison has been deemed handsome. But neither of these people fit that category for me personally. Give me a James McEvoy and I'll be over the moon. Celebrities are a poor example to be using, but they illustrate my point quite nicely. That point being that what is beautiful to one person might seem average to the next. One thing may be intriguing to someone, and ellicit disgust in someone else. I feel like the same is true for people. And althought the "don't judge a book by its cover" argument is sometimes extremely difficult to follow, I also believe that the content of things can make their shells so much more appealing. Whats inside a person can make them the most gorgeous creature who ever crossed your path. And although I cannot know any of this for sure, I firmly believe in its distinct possibility.

A Lighter Sunday

This was one of the Sunday Secrets today. I think its probably one of my favorite Post Secrets I've seen yet. I love that its scribbled on loose leaf. I love that there is clearly something else written withtin the folds but its never meant to be seen. I love that they used the stamp to seal off that which is hidden away in there. And I absolutely adore the bluntness, brutality and honesty of the message . Whoever you are, this is great.

Soaring hearts and aching hearts and lonely hearts like mine...

What I am forever seeking is simply someone to look at me and think "she's amazing". To be completely enthralled with me, to want to know everything about me and share everything of themselves with me. To wake up every morning and feel overjoyed and utter disbelief that I am with them. To want nothing more than to stare at me for the rest of my days, and that this act would make them truly happy. And I want the same reactions to be illicited in me. I want to be revered, on this tiny scale, at least for a small time. And I want to revere, and I know for a fact of this I am fully capable and susceptible. I want my chest to ache with the suppression of excited laughter from a tiny bud of a memory or thought about someone I can't get enough of (not to always feel this sad-sickness in my gut from looming thoughts of hopelessness). But maybe this isn't simple, and maybe I ask too much. Maybe I'll never catch it, I probably won't.
I spoke to my dearest friend today in her moment of utter joy. She calls it cloud nine, to me it felt like she was soaring. And I know right now she is still soaring. Her heart is soaring while mine is plagued with it's enduring ache. Not breaking, not shattered, just perpetually aching. Aching with sheer joy at her undescribably well-deserved happiness, aching with knowledge of the love for me I know I can find in all corners of my life, and aching for the love I cannot seem to find; with the loneliness that plagues me always. Forever the lonely girl. And today it hurts.

A few quotes

"Everything I know, I know because I love" - Leo Tolstoy
(went to see The Last Station last night...it was amazing)

"A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker than a germ" - John Steinbeck

Kaleidoscope

Talking to a few friends a couple weeks ago, we got on the topic of this little blog of mine. One of the reasons I like writing a blog and getting my ideas out there is to enable feedback from others, as well as to get them thinking about things that they may not have realized, or to relate to someone without really ever meaning to specifically (as I have stated in previous blogs). These friends I talked to about my writing gave me very good feedback, and a lot to think about. One of the points made was that a lot of the time I contradict myself in my writing, or seem unsure of what point I’m trying to make. I was thinking about this today, and I realized that I don’t necessarily consider this a bad trait in my musings. I think that, more than anything, that’s just who I am and how I think about things. More than for any other purpose, the way I write is for observation and reflection on things I think or see or encounter in others. I feel like there aren’t very many things in life that anyone knows for sure. How can I really know anything for sure? I rarely even know how I feel about things for sure!
The focus of my writing a lot of the times is not to make a specific point, and even if it was there is no possible way that I could do this effectively because I am so unsure of absolutely everything that it would just end up in twelve different directions anyways! That’s me! I see and feel so many sides of things, and I never really know for sure that this is the way things are, that this is the way things should be. I feel like everything is different to everyone, and I like that I can realize that and appreciate that. Life would be so dull and arrogant with a vision that everything I think or know is the way it is, the way it should be. I appreciate the diversity of people and the fact that there are so many ways that EVERYTHING can be interpreted! It makes the world so rich and interesting. I like to think that I can see things one way, but I also love to see the other ways of interpreting a certain topic or feeling or thought. Or ANYTHING really. Also, I am just such a perpetual clusterfuck that I feel that I would be unable to focus on one thing one way. That’s human!
Another big utility of this blog for me is to kind of talk things out, to figure them out for myself and come to potential conclusions through the act of writing and getting my thoughts down. And I really like to know what other people think, and that maybe they feel the same fucked up way that I do about things. I like this about myself, and so I like this about my writing. Even if it is incoherent and wishy-washy and maybe a bit hard to follow. I hope this isn’t the case, but if it is I hope that enjoyment can still be found in reading what I write because it thrills me to have people read and react to my thoughts and creations. No matter how messy it all might be. Life is messy. Life is lovely, and mess most certainly makes it lovelier.
P.S. Cook: Notice the use of structured paragraphs! Yay me!

The Endless Ache

This is something I wrote earlier this year, but I haven't posted on this blog yet! More to come soon, I have many thoughts of late.

We’re always chasing someone, even if we don’t know who they are.
Does it feel better to have your heart to ache over someone, or is it better when it aches for no one? I wonder that on days like this when my heart aches for no one. I wonder if it was better when it ached for someone. I think that this might be the downfall of many people in many situations. We’re just constantly looking for someone to ache for, because it seems more meaningful than aching for no one. I guess you might call that desperation. And maybe after that ache for the unknown fades, maybe that’s the only time when we're ready to find someone to ache for. I guess someone who won't make us ache. But it always aches doesn’t it? Even when we’re happy, happiness aches too. Like when you laugh too much it makes your stomach muscles ache, or smile too much it makes your face muscles ache. And the happiness makes your heart muscles ache, but a good kind of ache. Perhaps our hearts are always aching. Perhaps it’s part of the human condition, the perpetual aching of the heart.

could it be, this misery will suffice?

I was listening to this song today and the poignancy of its lyrics hit me. Its definitely one of my favorite songs. I love the lyrics, I love Gordon Downey. Music just seems to be speaking to me a lot lately. I'm sure you've all heard this song, but if you haven't, listen to it.


This phenomenon of music speaking to people reminds me of something else Lauren and I discussed the other night. This topic pertains to my current life crisis, which seems to occur monthly. Actually it was brought about by my beginning to blog again. After I had written the first couple new blogs, my lovely friend Lauren took it upon herself to mess with my head and encourage me to get into writing as a career focus. This is something I have struggled with on and off since I was a teenager. It seems like every time I write something, I have someone telling me that I should be a writer. I took it seriously for a while when I was still in high school and figuring myeslf out, but for some reason, at some point i don't remember, I dismissed the idea as a plausable means of making a living. And yet ever since then I have still loved writing, and have perpetually been encouraged to write and affirmed that I AM good at it. I do believe this to be true, but I am still increadibly shocked and pleased when I find out people read what I have written and like what I have to say. I would absolutely love to write for a living in some way, I just have a bsolutely no idea how to go about doing so. I am a very literal kind of writer, I don't think I would be a fabulous fiction author, nor would I excel in the political field of journalism. So I had been feeling very lost to the dream of writing. Then a point was brought up to me, a way in which I would never have looked at it. That is: everybody has thoughts and feelings about things, and their own outlooks, ideas and opinions. However, not everyone has the ability to express them. This is a concept I have been faced with more than once in the last little while. Maybe the fact that I seem to have this ability has made me ignorant to the idea that others do not have it. The fact that I always know what I want to say and just how to say it makes the idea that others just don't know how to convey themselves nonexistent in my mind. I have been completely ignorant to this fact all along! Whats more, she brought up another point that, just like the purpose of a song is to convey a feeling and speak to someone, anyone who might hear it and connect with it, writing has the exact same purpose and utility. So when I write down an observation I have or how I feel about something and someone else reads it, I could be completely conveying every emotion, feeling or thought they have always wanted to articulate but have never found the means to do so. And in this way it speaks to them and, even if they don't admit it, they are grateful that they read what I had to say because it makes them feel less alone, and they feel like they finally have a means to show how they are feeling about something. The thought of this makes me feel blessed to be able to write like I can. But I am still lost in it all. I still feel odd being proud of myself (am I being arrogant?), and I am still self-conscious about writing, even if people tell me I'm great. I think that goes along with a great many other personality factors not connected to my writing at all. It must. I never want to brag, I never want to make it seem like I think I am above anyone. And by saying that I have this ability is in no way saying that I am better than anyone because of it. I hope that is clear, because humility is a very important concept to me. I do not seek reverence or even very much recognition. I despise arrogance, and I never want to be viewed as such. But, I do feel like maybe through this "talent" of mine, some day I can come to be proud of myself for something. Because I am proud of my writing, and I do completely revel in every aspect of communicating and creating something that others can appreciate. And Lauren's words give me hope that maybe someday I'll be able to communicate to a large audience, and connect with a number of people without ever having met them. That is my biggest wish.