could it be, this misery will suffice?

I was listening to this song today and the poignancy of its lyrics hit me. Its definitely one of my favorite songs. I love the lyrics, I love Gordon Downey. Music just seems to be speaking to me a lot lately. I'm sure you've all heard this song, but if you haven't, listen to it.


This phenomenon of music speaking to people reminds me of something else Lauren and I discussed the other night. This topic pertains to my current life crisis, which seems to occur monthly. Actually it was brought about by my beginning to blog again. After I had written the first couple new blogs, my lovely friend Lauren took it upon herself to mess with my head and encourage me to get into writing as a career focus. This is something I have struggled with on and off since I was a teenager. It seems like every time I write something, I have someone telling me that I should be a writer. I took it seriously for a while when I was still in high school and figuring myeslf out, but for some reason, at some point i don't remember, I dismissed the idea as a plausable means of making a living. And yet ever since then I have still loved writing, and have perpetually been encouraged to write and affirmed that I AM good at it. I do believe this to be true, but I am still increadibly shocked and pleased when I find out people read what I have written and like what I have to say. I would absolutely love to write for a living in some way, I just have a bsolutely no idea how to go about doing so. I am a very literal kind of writer, I don't think I would be a fabulous fiction author, nor would I excel in the political field of journalism. So I had been feeling very lost to the dream of writing. Then a point was brought up to me, a way in which I would never have looked at it. That is: everybody has thoughts and feelings about things, and their own outlooks, ideas and opinions. However, not everyone has the ability to express them. This is a concept I have been faced with more than once in the last little while. Maybe the fact that I seem to have this ability has made me ignorant to the idea that others do not have it. The fact that I always know what I want to say and just how to say it makes the idea that others just don't know how to convey themselves nonexistent in my mind. I have been completely ignorant to this fact all along! Whats more, she brought up another point that, just like the purpose of a song is to convey a feeling and speak to someone, anyone who might hear it and connect with it, writing has the exact same purpose and utility. So when I write down an observation I have or how I feel about something and someone else reads it, I could be completely conveying every emotion, feeling or thought they have always wanted to articulate but have never found the means to do so. And in this way it speaks to them and, even if they don't admit it, they are grateful that they read what I had to say because it makes them feel less alone, and they feel like they finally have a means to show how they are feeling about something. The thought of this makes me feel blessed to be able to write like I can. But I am still lost in it all. I still feel odd being proud of myself (am I being arrogant?), and I am still self-conscious about writing, even if people tell me I'm great. I think that goes along with a great many other personality factors not connected to my writing at all. It must. I never want to brag, I never want to make it seem like I think I am above anyone. And by saying that I have this ability is in no way saying that I am better than anyone because of it. I hope that is clear, because humility is a very important concept to me. I do not seek reverence or even very much recognition. I despise arrogance, and I never want to be viewed as such. But, I do feel like maybe through this "talent" of mine, some day I can come to be proud of myself for something. Because I am proud of my writing, and I do completely revel in every aspect of communicating and creating something that others can appreciate. And Lauren's words give me hope that maybe someday I'll be able to communicate to a large audience, and connect with a number of people without ever having met them. That is my biggest wish.