Last night I was hit with a wave of insurmountable sadness. Maybe it was because I had been drinking and I was over tired. Mayeb it was because I saw one of my old friends, who is becoming a very close friend of late, get her heart trampled all over again (which she neither deserves nor instigates in any way shape or form). Or because I witnessed the complications of another friend's old relationships, and the heartbreak of a very drunk but still very sweet girl affiliated (and maybe seeing her made me feel guilt). All this drama of the heart just got to me, and made me think a lot about matters such as this. My matters, namely (as the selfish human mind is accustomed). To me, in the last formative years of my life, matters of the heart have included a number of factors, none condusive to my happiness in any way:
1. Chasing an unattainable person and being so caught up in the idea that I'm drowning in hopes and daydreams and thoughts of them. In complete and utter emotional lust over them.
2. Running from the feelings of boys who I love more than the world, but I could never be in love with. Boys who imagine they love me, and make me push them away. Or at least push their love away. (I am using the word love in the loosest sense of the word here)
3. Almost having something, sort of, just out of reach. Or having something come within my grasp only to slip away suddenly. Maybe that means it wasn't meant to be. Only this results in my mind producing a neverending stream of the way it could have been. Of inactively chasing them just because of "unfinished business". Even if I see them and feel nothing. I still want them to want me. Isn't that horrible?
4. We won't talk about how it all started....
And so last night got me thinking. Thinking about the endless cluster fucks that my heart has been involved with and nothing else (see above). And I just thought to myself, don't I deserve something better? Maybe I don't. Maybe thats why. I know I'm young, I know there are many countless endless amounts of other things to revel in and make me happy. Which I do revel in, which do make me happy. And I haven't thought about this stuff in a while, and I lvoed not thinking about it, because really it does consume such hopeless romantic minds as mine. I used to say hopeFUL, but its leaning more and more towards the LESS side. Anyways, I was thinking, a little while ago I think I was just at the end of the desperation rope. My standards were about nil, I was grasping for any semblance of any romantic emotion I could find and turning it into something bigger than it ever was or could have been. And I was content with that at the time, not long ago. But last night I thought about all this and this morning I woke up and I thought, if I'm going to have someone, I want someone brilliant. Someone kind and articulate and humble (above all things). Someone funny and laid back who worships the ground I walk on. Maybe I am asking too much, but I don't ever think anyone should sell themselves short. I have taken to telling my friends (one in particular, who recently experienced a stinging and inexplicably ill-fitted rejection) that what they deserve, what they all deserve and what every woman in the entire world deserves is nothing less than a man who absolutely worships the ground you walk on. This is a notion that I will stand by through every ridicule and criticism. It obviously would be different for every person, but it is still what every female deserves out of life and love.
Anyways, this has been an overly sappy and heart-ful post. Fuckin Valentine's day syndrome must be infecting me with its poison. Red hearts and pink cupids and lace and frills EVERYWHERE and me vomiting in the corner. Gag. Reflex.

I'll move away from the serious nature of this post to talk about where I'm at right now. I am currently sitting at home, on the farm, with a fresh layer of snow staring at me from the window and my lovely mutt dozing in the room next to me. Right now my thoughts are of breakfast, a nice shower, and preparing my eyes for excessive amounts of purple tonight. It is my dear Natasha's 21st birthday party tonight, and her party themes always turn out to be the best. Everyone is beyond excited and I can hardly contain myself. I will hopefully post a picture of all the fantastic purpleness after the weekend. For now, here's a run down of the past few years:
2007: Bucket hats. Best one yet.

2008: Highlight the Night

2009:TWENTIES! Awesome pictures

2010 to follow :)