What I am forever seeking is simply someone to look at me and think "she's amazing". To be completely enthralled with me, to want to know everything about me and share everything of themselves with me. To wake up every morning and feel overjoyed and utter disbelief that I am with them. To want nothing more than to stare at me for the rest of my days, and that this act would make them truly happy. And I want the same reactions to be illicited in me. I want to be revered, on this tiny scale, at least for a small time. And I want to revere, and I know for a fact of this I am fully capable and susceptible. I want my chest to ache with the suppression of excited laughter from a tiny bud of a memory or thought about someone I can't get enough of (not to always feel this sad-sickness in my gut from looming thoughts of hopelessness). But maybe this isn't simple, and maybe I ask too much. Maybe I'll never catch it, I probably won't.
I spoke to my dearest friend today in her moment of utter joy. She calls it cloud nine, to me it felt like she was soaring. And I know right now she is still soaring. Her heart is soaring while mine is plagued with it's enduring ache. Not breaking, not shattered, just perpetually aching. Aching with sheer joy at her undescribably well-deserved happiness, aching with knowledge of the love for me I know I can find in all corners of my life, and aching for the love I cannot seem to find; with the loneliness that plagues me always. Forever the lonely girl. And today it hurts.
Oh, katie. I understand this, completely... And I hate to hear your vivid description of loneliness...I mean it just sounds that much more heartbreaking. You will get your moment, that I am completely and utterly sure of. And all of these days of lonlieness just make that moment 1000 times better and more worth it because for all of those people who find it every other day I wonder honestly how much it can mean? For those of us who have spent years waiting, just watching movies and listening to our friends and wishing, waiting, hoping for it....wondering when, well I think when that moment finds you, its worth ALL of those lonely years - those years don't seem as lonely, they make sense finally. I'd rather be lonely and waiting for that moment (THAT WILL COME) then letting desperation overcome me and trying to find this moment, making up that moment in every person who crosses my path.
ReplyDeleteI myself have NO idea if this is THEE moment, probably not. Very unlikely. But I do know that even if those 5 minutes for me is all that it is, those 5 minutes of REALNESS were worth my last 5 years of lonliness. And if this disapears at least I will know that if I wait again something REAL and unimaginable may find me again. I won't settle for mediocracy...I'll fight desperation like its my biggest enemy.